Whoever covers over an offence promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. ~Proverbs 17:9
If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ~Matthew 18:15
The end of all things is near. Therefore, be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. ~1 Peter 4:7-8
Being offended seems to be the battle cry of the day. Instead of freedom of speech, everyone has the right not to be offended. If one is offended, then one has the right to exact vengeance on the offender because, of course, the offender KNEW that he or she was being offensive and just didn’t care. Is that how you see much of society behaving today?
There seems to be all of this offending and finger pointing that just keeps growing and growing. Nothing is being resolved, just more blame that grows louder and louder. Vengeance and power are more attractive than working on love and healing. Satan is enjoying fanning the flames of discord among us. In our proverb today, and the other verses, there is such good advice for how to keep the spark of offence from growing into an uncontrollable fire.
“Whoever covers over an offence promotes love,” This does not mean deny, rather it means listen. We all have filters that we use to interpret what others say. Someone may be having a rough day, is tired, and thus may have a harsher tone of voice than necessary. The recipient hears the harsh tone of voice and, instead of wondering what is stressing out the speaker, the receiver immediately takes offence, assuming that the speaker was unnecessarily rude.
It begins that simply. Kathy and I go through this all the time in our marriage, as I’m sure most of you do in your relationships. One person uses the wrong tone of voice or says something a little off and the other person gets upset, believing that they have the right to be offended. Love, however, calls for grace. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” Love sets aside “my rights” and thinks the best of another. Often, so many conflicts and arguments could be squelched with just this simple practice of assuming the best of the other and taking the time to listen to what is really going on.
“But whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” There is such a fine line between “seeking counsel” and “gossip.” Sometimes, when we are hurt or offended, rightly or not, we do need help to think through what happened and prepare for a better response than what we feel like doing. Unfortunately, bringing in a third party is often, the worst thing we can do because our tendency is to begin lining up our justification, defense for why we reacted to the “offense” the way we did. That has two negative effects. It hardens your heart against the one who hurt you and it can make the person who hurt you look bad in the eyes of the one you’re complaining to.
This is how the conflict grows. Instead of going back to the one who “sinned” against you to talk things through, we go to someone else with our hurt feelings, and our assumption of the worst, and build our case by tearing another down, trying to mold the third person’s opinion to reflect our own. When this happens, we’re often not interested in the truth, but in comfort through company. This damages the original speaker’s reputation in the third person’s eyes, unfairly, and at worst, if the speaker and third party know each other, it can damage the building of their relationship unnecessarily.
This is one reason why married couples do well not to run to their family of origin with their complaint against their spouse. Our family of origin will, of course, defend us. They are learning things about the spouse that may be unnecessary or inappropriate for them to know. When the couple reconcile, the family of origin is left with all of the negative baggage that is hard to forget and that kind of knowledge can end up working against the marriage.
It’s the same with friendships, other relationships, and in church. The smaller the problem stays, the easier it is to deal with by caring people who are equipped to help, or, better yet, when the two that are in conflict can work it out themselves. How many relationships, how many churches, have been torn apart because too many people got involved from the beginning, through gossip and wrong assumptions, that could have been healed if the matter had stayed small, with only as many as necessary working to heal the problem?
This is what Jesus advises. “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” Did you notice that, for Jesus, it is the offended person’s responsibility to initiate the resolution to the offense? “You, offended person, go and show them their fault!” Why? Because, despite what you think you know, they may have no idea that they offended you. You, offended person, need to go, hear them out, and learn if the offence was even intended!
You may be building a case against nothing. Instead of running to a friend first, go back to the original speaker and attempt to work things out. Only when it doesn’t work out do you then involve a third party. “If he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that the matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” (Matthew 18:16)
This does not mean taking along friends that you know will back you up. If you sincerely want truth, you want mutual, sober minded individuals that will help both parties understand each other. After all, you may have been wrong to be so offended in the first place. This is supposed to be the church’s strong suit. Churches should be the go to place for healing and reconciliation. How sad that the church has walked away from its responsibility in this area.
“The end of all things is near. Therefore, be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.” God is calling us to a different standard from the world. The world has taught us that it’s all about us. When someone offends us, we have the right to demand an apology! God is saying, be self-controlled. Be thicker skinned than that. Assume the best of the other person for the sake of peace. Love covers over a multitude of sins because love shows grace just as Jesus covered over our sins, in love, and showed us grace that we really don’t deserve, when we were happily dead in our sins. He only calls us to do what He has done and have a thick enough skin to embrace even the unlovable who did intend to offend!
Prayer: Father I acknowledge that every day brings new opportunities for me to love the people close to me with thick skinned grace. I really need Your Spirit in me to help with that! Thanks for providing grace to me, that enables me to be gracious to others. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Song: Marvelous Grace
If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ~Matthew 18:15
The end of all things is near. Therefore, be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. ~1 Peter 4:7-8
Being offended seems to be the battle cry of the day. Instead of freedom of speech, everyone has the right not to be offended. If one is offended, then one has the right to exact vengeance on the offender because, of course, the offender KNEW that he or she was being offensive and just didn’t care. Is that how you see much of society behaving today?
There seems to be all of this offending and finger pointing that just keeps growing and growing. Nothing is being resolved, just more blame that grows louder and louder. Vengeance and power are more attractive than working on love and healing. Satan is enjoying fanning the flames of discord among us. In our proverb today, and the other verses, there is such good advice for how to keep the spark of offence from growing into an uncontrollable fire.
“Whoever covers over an offence promotes love,” This does not mean deny, rather it means listen. We all have filters that we use to interpret what others say. Someone may be having a rough day, is tired, and thus may have a harsher tone of voice than necessary. The recipient hears the harsh tone of voice and, instead of wondering what is stressing out the speaker, the receiver immediately takes offence, assuming that the speaker was unnecessarily rude.
It begins that simply. Kathy and I go through this all the time in our marriage, as I’m sure most of you do in your relationships. One person uses the wrong tone of voice or says something a little off and the other person gets upset, believing that they have the right to be offended. Love, however, calls for grace. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” Love sets aside “my rights” and thinks the best of another. Often, so many conflicts and arguments could be squelched with just this simple practice of assuming the best of the other and taking the time to listen to what is really going on.
“But whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” There is such a fine line between “seeking counsel” and “gossip.” Sometimes, when we are hurt or offended, rightly or not, we do need help to think through what happened and prepare for a better response than what we feel like doing. Unfortunately, bringing in a third party is often, the worst thing we can do because our tendency is to begin lining up our justification, defense for why we reacted to the “offense” the way we did. That has two negative effects. It hardens your heart against the one who hurt you and it can make the person who hurt you look bad in the eyes of the one you’re complaining to.
This is how the conflict grows. Instead of going back to the one who “sinned” against you to talk things through, we go to someone else with our hurt feelings, and our assumption of the worst, and build our case by tearing another down, trying to mold the third person’s opinion to reflect our own. When this happens, we’re often not interested in the truth, but in comfort through company. This damages the original speaker’s reputation in the third person’s eyes, unfairly, and at worst, if the speaker and third party know each other, it can damage the building of their relationship unnecessarily.
This is one reason why married couples do well not to run to their family of origin with their complaint against their spouse. Our family of origin will, of course, defend us. They are learning things about the spouse that may be unnecessary or inappropriate for them to know. When the couple reconcile, the family of origin is left with all of the negative baggage that is hard to forget and that kind of knowledge can end up working against the marriage.
It’s the same with friendships, other relationships, and in church. The smaller the problem stays, the easier it is to deal with by caring people who are equipped to help, or, better yet, when the two that are in conflict can work it out themselves. How many relationships, how many churches, have been torn apart because too many people got involved from the beginning, through gossip and wrong assumptions, that could have been healed if the matter had stayed small, with only as many as necessary working to heal the problem?
This is what Jesus advises. “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” Did you notice that, for Jesus, it is the offended person’s responsibility to initiate the resolution to the offense? “You, offended person, go and show them their fault!” Why? Because, despite what you think you know, they may have no idea that they offended you. You, offended person, need to go, hear them out, and learn if the offence was even intended!
You may be building a case against nothing. Instead of running to a friend first, go back to the original speaker and attempt to work things out. Only when it doesn’t work out do you then involve a third party. “If he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that the matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” (Matthew 18:16)
This does not mean taking along friends that you know will back you up. If you sincerely want truth, you want mutual, sober minded individuals that will help both parties understand each other. After all, you may have been wrong to be so offended in the first place. This is supposed to be the church’s strong suit. Churches should be the go to place for healing and reconciliation. How sad that the church has walked away from its responsibility in this area.
“The end of all things is near. Therefore, be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.” God is calling us to a different standard from the world. The world has taught us that it’s all about us. When someone offends us, we have the right to demand an apology! God is saying, be self-controlled. Be thicker skinned than that. Assume the best of the other person for the sake of peace. Love covers over a multitude of sins because love shows grace just as Jesus covered over our sins, in love, and showed us grace that we really don’t deserve, when we were happily dead in our sins. He only calls us to do what He has done and have a thick enough skin to embrace even the unlovable who did intend to offend!
Prayer: Father I acknowledge that every day brings new opportunities for me to love the people close to me with thick skinned grace. I really need Your Spirit in me to help with that! Thanks for providing grace to me, that enables me to be gracious to others. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Song: Marvelous Grace
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