A man’s wisdom gives him patience. It is to his glory to overlook an offence. ~Proverbs 19:11
The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. ~James 3:17-18
Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy. Without holiness, no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. ~Hebrews 12:14-15
Sometimes, it can be hard to overlook an offense. You run the risk of the offender never knowing what they have done! It may require extra effort on your part to not allow resentment to build up toward the offender. So, the question is, when do we overlook an offense and when do we go to the offender and show them their fault? What can make this dilemma an even harder one to discern is that, when we are offended, it affects our emotional state. Emotions should not be trusted for giving guidance on how to proceed.
There is wisdom in the adage “let cooler heads prevail.” James Dobson wrote a whole book entitled, “Emotions, Can You Trust Them,” with the conclusion being, “no.” Emotions are nice, and very important to alert us to danger, but they can also betray us. Jeremiah says: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” (Jeremiah 17:9) So, what does Disney tell us to do? “Follow our hearts?” Bad advice!
Emotions can cement opinions into us that we become attached to. We begin assuming the worst of our offender and we don’t like letting go of that opinion. We begin having thoughts like: “Of course that person knew what they were doing! They just didn’t care, or they just didn’t think, or they went ahead and did it anyway!” None of these statements may be true, but our emotions convince us that they are, so, we are offended. Our emotions comfort us in our offense, affirming that we are “right.”
In our proverb today it says that a person’s wisdom gives them patience. This is a key. Patience is willing to take the time, to step back, to disengage emotionally and carefully examine what has been done. In patience, the wise person uses his or her wisdom to assess and discern the truth, to see other perspectives, perhaps even the perspective of the offender and then, may often be able to say, “It’s not so bad. It’s not worth making a big deal over.”
There are too basic categories of offence as I see it. We can be offended when our personal preferences are not preferred by another, and we can be offended when we are sinned against. Again, using patience and taking the time to dismiss emotions and apply wisdom will help us discern which is the case. Being offended over preference can be something like, I wanted pizza and the other person wanted Chinese, and we ended up in a Chinese restaurant. Another offense might be, in our remodeling, I really wanted to paint the living room red, but I was outvoted and it’s blue. Music choices are a preference offense. How many churches have been plagued with that problem? It’s not a sin to like one kind of music over another, it really is just a preference, yet that one seems to have the power to split the church! It really is unnecessary.
It’s when you are dealing with a personal offense such as this that it really is often wise to just move on and overlook the fact that you didn’t get your way. There is no sin here and you have not been sinned against. “Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” Jesus also says in His beatitudes that peacemakers are “children of God.” (Matthew 5:9)
We had mentioned a while back that Paul had charged the church at Philippi to help “two women get along!” (Phil. 4:2-3) What if they were arguing over personal preferences? How glorious it would be if one of them had just dropped the matter for the sake of peace. We can do that, and Solomon says that when we do, it’s to our glory, not to mention the glory of our Father in Heaven!
Jesus’ advice in Matthew 18:15-18 applies more when there is sin involved. This is because sin that is not dealt with tarnishes the ministry and renders it ineffective. Then, you are keeping the peace by preserving the purity of the ministry when you are willing to “go to the offender and show them their fault, just between the two of you.” It is still ok to follow this process over personal preferences too. It is a way of discerning whether or not there was a simple misunderstanding, and whether or not there really was a sin committed, as long as you do it with the intent to discern and not lash out in anger.
“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” There are two points here, see to it that no one misses the grace of God, but also that many are not defiled. These things will happen when sin is not dealt with. If you don’t deal with sin, then the sinner is going to miss the grace of God. Or, if you hold it in or sweep it under the rug, by not dealing with sin, we run the risk of allowing a “root of bitterness,” to be nurtured that will erupt at some point, doing much more harm than if it had been managed well in the beginning. That root of bitterness could be a heresy, or it could be the refusal to forgive. Either way, its presence undermines the ministry.
Consider God Himself, the most offended of all by our sin. Yet, He did not treat us as our sinful and rebellious nature deserved, but rather, with great patience. He acted in love to bring about an act of redemption that gives us a means to repent and be reconciled with Him. We had discussed before the proverb that says that an offended brother is like an impenetrable wall. But that was not God’s way. He lowered His defenses and became one of us to gain our perspective. This was for His glory most of all.
The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” We need to keep the main thing the main thing. The main thing is the unity of the ministry for the sake of Christ. His wisdom must be employed to help us deal with conflict appropriately because that is the obligation of the ministry to its members. However, when we are offended, we need to set emotion aside and ask the Lord to give us the wisdom to discern, is this just a personal preference thing or is it truly sin? When it is a personal thing, we should be willing to just let it go and promote peace. Or else, do as He did and find a way toward reconciliation, following in His footsteps, to bring Him, and us, glory.
Prayer: Father God, Jesus the Son, and Holy Spirit, I pray to You with great confidence in Your wisdom and Your methods for resolving conflict. Grant me Your wisdom to discern truth and to love my brothers and sisters, so that I do not allow sin to continue, or harbor any kind of grudge. Keep me humble to see my own faults more easily than the faults in others. In Jesus name, amen.
Song: There is Peace in Christ
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